Hopeful

My period could have been late.... maybe. Seeing as my cycle is not exactly regular.... it is hard to be sure. There have been months in the past when my cycle lasted 50 days (average is between 28 and 30 I believe). Anyway, I had been on Clomid in August and September, which seemed to have shortened my cycle down to about 32 to 36 days. (still not very exact, but, better than 50 days one month, 32 the next, 45 the next.....)

Anyway, stopped taking clomid in October, but my cycle was still about 33 days. So, this next cycle, I wasn't sure what to expect.... after not being on the clomid anymore, would it go back to 40 days..... 45..... 50..... ??? At 32 days I waited for my period to grace me with its presence.... I had been too emotionally exhausted to consciously try to get pregnant the last month.... didn't want to have to deal with more disappointment. I would try again next time. So, I waited for my period to start, so I could start counting days again and start myself on another potential emotional roller coaster. 34 days.... it should start any time.... I am feeling a little crampy..... 36 days...... any time now.... unless.... no...... I couldn't be pregnant, I didn't even try this month. But....maybe..... I convinced myself to just keep waiting..... didn't want to see another test telling me I'm not pregnant.... reminding me that I'm not a mother..... giving me those tinges of hopelessness and fear that I never will be a mother....

On Friday night (day 36) I got some suprise news. I was on the phone with my mom and she said that my older brother, Chris, wanted to talk to me. Hmmmm.... seemed weird. When he got on the phone he sounded hessitant..... "Hey... uuhhh..... looks like you'll be getting a new neice or nephew..........." He couldn't be serious... could he? I thought he and Cassidy would wait longer before having kids! But, he sounded too serious and scared. "Wow! Thats cool. Congrats." (...just to clear things up... they actually aren't pregnant anymore unfortunately... click here). He still sounded terrified as he relayed to me that Cass was about a month along. Was he nervous at the thought of being a father (understandable for anyone!) or was he scared that I was going to break into tears? A few months after my second miscarriage, my sister had announced she was 3 months pregnant. Though I was so happy for her, I burst into tears and had to leave the room. I was glad it worked for her.... but, why couldn't it work for me??? Since then, I've miscarried again. So, I am sure Chris was scared to tell me.... worried about making me feel bad. But, suprisingly I did't cry or anything after hearing Chris's news. I think there was a bit of hope inside me..... "I could be pregnant.... there is a chance....and maybe this time it will work..."

Saturday, day 37..... I went and bought a pregnancy test. We had decided that if I hadn't started by Sunday, I'd do a test then and see. I hadn't bought one earlier.... didn't want to be tempted to test earlier....

Sunday morning, I got up before Steve was out of bed... didn't want to have to face him with my disappointment when I got another negative. So, I took the test..... I took a quick glance at first.... just one line.... of course..... "It's okay.... I'll try again this month.... it will happen when it's supposed to......" Then I looked at the test again......