Back with a vengeance....

The other day before my appointment I had told my friends Jon and Keriann how I was worried because I wasn't really feeling so sick. Jon reassured me, "Don't worry, I am sure it will come back with a vengeance!" Well, he was right! And again, I am happy to be sick!

I can't stand smells at all! Everything makes me gag and I've started "throwing up" at least once a day (more like dry heaving usually). Sorry, not the most pleasant topic, but to me, it is great news and makes me sooo hopeful!

Poor Steve though... I can't stand to cook.... blah! All the smells and.... yuck.... I pretty much have to force myself to eat!

First Appointment

I went to my first appointment. Typically (how they do things here) your first appointment you just meet with a nurse who pretty much just talks to you and gets info from you and gives info to you.... makes sure you know all the basics of how to take care of your pregnant self and then she sends you on your way.

I was pretty nervous before the appointment because I was worried I wasn't even pregnant anymore. I had started feeling sick (sensitive to smell) last week, but it seemed like it was kind of going away already over the weekend... which I worried meant the worst. I really wished I could see the doctor at my first visit and that they could do some sort of tests/ultrasound or something to just let me know what was going on! It would be another 3 weeks before I would have my official first appointment with the doctor and I REALLY didn't want to have to be worrying and wondering all through Christmas break.

Anyway, at my appointment, the nurse was super nice and was aware of my past health history (3 early miscarriages). Near the end she asked me "Did they schedule you for an ultrasound??" I told her no.... they had told me I was just to meet with a nurse at first and nothing would be done until later when I met with the doctor. She said "Oh, well, with your history you should really get an ultrasound before your visit with the doctor." She said they would get me in today for an ultrasound. YAY! At that moment I was both excited and also extremely nervous. I really wanted to see what was going on in there but part of me worried that I would see nothing but disappointment.... but, at least I could get it over with.

Anyway, so, there I was, nervous but hopeful..... and sure enough..... a tiny flickering heart beat!!!! My little "peanut" as the ultrasound tech called it measured 1.07 centimeters, which she said was just where it should be.

So, it's just a little tiny thing for now..... but 7 weeks and 2 days down! I'm feeling hopeful.

Sick!

I went outside today and something smelled really funny and I almost threw up! Yay!!! So strange when you're grateful to feel sick....

It is a reassurance to me that things are going how they are supposed to... so bring on the sickness! I'm willing to endure it!

Hopeful

My period could have been late.... maybe. Seeing as my cycle is not exactly regular.... it is hard to be sure. There have been months in the past when my cycle lasted 50 days (average is between 28 and 30 I believe). Anyway, I had been on Clomid in August and September, which seemed to have shortened my cycle down to about 32 to 36 days. (still not very exact, but, better than 50 days one month, 32 the next, 45 the next.....)

Anyway, stopped taking clomid in October, but my cycle was still about 33 days. So, this next cycle, I wasn't sure what to expect.... after not being on the clomid anymore, would it go back to 40 days..... 45..... 50..... ??? At 32 days I waited for my period to grace me with its presence.... I had been too emotionally exhausted to consciously try to get pregnant the last month.... didn't want to have to deal with more disappointment. I would try again next time. So, I waited for my period to start, so I could start counting days again and start myself on another potential emotional roller coaster. 34 days.... it should start any time.... I am feeling a little crampy..... 36 days...... any time now.... unless.... no...... I couldn't be pregnant, I didn't even try this month. But....maybe..... I convinced myself to just keep waiting..... didn't want to see another test telling me I'm not pregnant.... reminding me that I'm not a mother..... giving me those tinges of hopelessness and fear that I never will be a mother....

On Friday night (day 36) I got some suprise news. I was on the phone with my mom and she said that my older brother, Chris, wanted to talk to me. Hmmmm.... seemed weird. When he got on the phone he sounded hessitant..... "Hey... uuhhh..... looks like you'll be getting a new neice or nephew..........." He couldn't be serious... could he? I thought he and Cassidy would wait longer before having kids! But, he sounded too serious and scared. "Wow! Thats cool. Congrats." (...just to clear things up... they actually aren't pregnant anymore unfortunately... click here). He still sounded terrified as he relayed to me that Cass was about a month along. Was he nervous at the thought of being a father (understandable for anyone!) or was he scared that I was going to break into tears? A few months after my second miscarriage, my sister had announced she was 3 months pregnant. Though I was so happy for her, I burst into tears and had to leave the room. I was glad it worked for her.... but, why couldn't it work for me??? Since then, I've miscarried again. So, I am sure Chris was scared to tell me.... worried about making me feel bad. But, suprisingly I did't cry or anything after hearing Chris's news. I think there was a bit of hope inside me..... "I could be pregnant.... there is a chance....and maybe this time it will work..."

Saturday, day 37..... I went and bought a pregnancy test. We had decided that if I hadn't started by Sunday, I'd do a test then and see. I hadn't bought one earlier.... didn't want to be tempted to test earlier....

Sunday morning, I got up before Steve was out of bed... didn't want to have to face him with my disappointment when I got another negative. So, I took the test..... I took a quick glance at first.... just one line.... of course..... "It's okay.... I'll try again this month.... it will happen when it's supposed to......" Then I looked at the test again......